I've been on the same dose of the same medication for about two years now... and still feeling exhausted constantly! Also, only roughly in the last 3 months or so I've completely lost my libido which hasn't been affected previously. There can't be any other reason for it other than my meds; I've been through everything else which could possibly affect it.
The exhaustion is getting me down so much- I want to get a job in London which would mean a hefty commute and long hours but my body just can't take it! I've tried doing it before.
I have a review with the doc next week... fingers crossed it gets sorted coz right now I just feel like I'm in the waiting room for life.
Friday, 9 March 2012
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Where it all changed...
I think in order for me to be able to share my journey I need to tell you how it all started. Not my life, just where it all went a bit wrong.
I was 16, in a very suffocating and unhealthy relationship. First love. It was neither of our faults, we were both changing and growing up and our characters just didn't cooperate anymore. We were nearly a year in to the relationship and I was completely and totally head over heels. He wanted to travel, see the world, live abroad.. I wanted to cling on to any hope of us being the 'forever' our naive selves had promised each other. Yet we couldn't let go. I began feeling like I just wanted to die. I wanted to just end everything because nothing could be worse than losing this love. I cried for one week non-stop. My mum's friends had to come and sit with me while my mum had to get on with looking after my siblings too. My best friend would come and sit with me and I wouldn't be able to talk, just sob. It was as if I had been replaced with a zombie. It felt as if I was numb, empty, distraught.
I didn't tell my boyfriend. I pretended everything was okay because I knew if he knew then he'd definitely give up on me. I was so nervous about going out of the house and especially about meeting his friends or family. I was making myself sick multiple times a day because I couldn't get over the anxiety of every day life. It got to the stage where he'd trick me in to going to his house for a night in, but had actually planned a house party so I'd have to see his friends. This destroyed all my trust. We were killing each other and didn't even realise it.
Until one seemingly normal day he came to my house and ended it. Panic attack after panic attack followed as I begged him to take me back and promised I would change; the thought of losing him was the end of the world. Even now, telling the story for the first time ever in complete honesty, I get a pang in my chest of that feeling I felt right in that moment, its the worst feeling and after all this time I still can't shake it!
To some it may just sound like a normal heart break of a teenage girl losing her first love. It took three months for me to stop crying whenever I saw him. I began making myself sick and cutting myself because I was convinced I needed to give myself a problem in order to justify feeling the way I did.
It was about three months later than I finally made it to the top of the waiting list to see a psychologist. I'd see her a few times a month, and a psychiatrist who dealt with my medication. A year later my medication does was still being increased as I showed no sign of improving.
Three years later I'm still on the highest dose possible.
The situation with my ex-boyfriend is what triggered my depression and anxiety. However, over the following two years I fell victim to the usual hardships caused by a self conscious teen at an all girls school. Fall-outs with friends and interfering, bullying teachers; I finally removed myself from that environment.
And where am I now in 2012? I'm in the healthiest, happiest and most amazing two year relationship I could ever imagine. Meeting a man who would accept everything about me, help me through the down times and celebrate the ups. He has turned my life around. But more importantly, he taught me to appreciate myself again. He gives me confidence, encourages me to take risks and make changes with my life; and I know he will stick around to see how it all pays off.
I now know I cannot rely solely on other people for my happiness, but I also know who I can rely on; who knows all of this and is still by my side for good times and bad.
And thankfully, there's a lot of those good times now!
I was 16, in a very suffocating and unhealthy relationship. First love. It was neither of our faults, we were both changing and growing up and our characters just didn't cooperate anymore. We were nearly a year in to the relationship and I was completely and totally head over heels. He wanted to travel, see the world, live abroad.. I wanted to cling on to any hope of us being the 'forever' our naive selves had promised each other. Yet we couldn't let go. I began feeling like I just wanted to die. I wanted to just end everything because nothing could be worse than losing this love. I cried for one week non-stop. My mum's friends had to come and sit with me while my mum had to get on with looking after my siblings too. My best friend would come and sit with me and I wouldn't be able to talk, just sob. It was as if I had been replaced with a zombie. It felt as if I was numb, empty, distraught.
I didn't tell my boyfriend. I pretended everything was okay because I knew if he knew then he'd definitely give up on me. I was so nervous about going out of the house and especially about meeting his friends or family. I was making myself sick multiple times a day because I couldn't get over the anxiety of every day life. It got to the stage where he'd trick me in to going to his house for a night in, but had actually planned a house party so I'd have to see his friends. This destroyed all my trust. We were killing each other and didn't even realise it.
Until one seemingly normal day he came to my house and ended it. Panic attack after panic attack followed as I begged him to take me back and promised I would change; the thought of losing him was the end of the world. Even now, telling the story for the first time ever in complete honesty, I get a pang in my chest of that feeling I felt right in that moment, its the worst feeling and after all this time I still can't shake it!
To some it may just sound like a normal heart break of a teenage girl losing her first love. It took three months for me to stop crying whenever I saw him. I began making myself sick and cutting myself because I was convinced I needed to give myself a problem in order to justify feeling the way I did.
It was about three months later than I finally made it to the top of the waiting list to see a psychologist. I'd see her a few times a month, and a psychiatrist who dealt with my medication. A year later my medication does was still being increased as I showed no sign of improving.
Three years later I'm still on the highest dose possible.
The situation with my ex-boyfriend is what triggered my depression and anxiety. However, over the following two years I fell victim to the usual hardships caused by a self conscious teen at an all girls school. Fall-outs with friends and interfering, bullying teachers; I finally removed myself from that environment.
And where am I now in 2012? I'm in the healthiest, happiest and most amazing two year relationship I could ever imagine. Meeting a man who would accept everything about me, help me through the down times and celebrate the ups. He has turned my life around. But more importantly, he taught me to appreciate myself again. He gives me confidence, encourages me to take risks and make changes with my life; and I know he will stick around to see how it all pays off.
I now know I cannot rely solely on other people for my happiness, but I also know who I can rely on; who knows all of this and is still by my side for good times and bad.
And thankfully, there's a lot of those good times now!
The Very Beginning
So I think I should start by introducing myself: a 19 year old female who has been 'suffering' from clinical depression since I was 16. If you met me, you wouldn't know. Only my nearest and dearest do.
I live a normal life: I have a fully functional family, an amazing long-term boyfriend, friends all over the place and I am at University. So lets clear it up... not suicidal, not 'emo', not self-harming, as far as I see it, I have an illness. An illness which I means I cannot get through the day without medication. Aside from this illness in my brain, I am a very happy, healthy, regular woman.
But thats not to say I wasn't once 'emo', suicidal, or self-harmed. I may have done. The point is everyone suffers with depression in different, but equally valid ways. I've started this blog so I can share with you the honest truths of what I go through, and I hope that maybe one day I can help others.
I'm not here to judge, force upon you any of my opinions, preach or upset anyone... I'm merely here to keep a diary of my life.
I live a normal life: I have a fully functional family, an amazing long-term boyfriend, friends all over the place and I am at University. So lets clear it up... not suicidal, not 'emo', not self-harming, as far as I see it, I have an illness. An illness which I means I cannot get through the day without medication. Aside from this illness in my brain, I am a very happy, healthy, regular woman.
But thats not to say I wasn't once 'emo', suicidal, or self-harmed. I may have done. The point is everyone suffers with depression in different, but equally valid ways. I've started this blog so I can share with you the honest truths of what I go through, and I hope that maybe one day I can help others.
I'm not here to judge, force upon you any of my opinions, preach or upset anyone... I'm merely here to keep a diary of my life.
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