:(

I want to scream for help. I don't feel like I can take it anymore I feel so crap. The stupidest things have got me these past few days: my make-up wouldn't go right on Saturday morning so I felt like the whole world was against me. I could feel anger burning up inside of me and I got so frustrated I just couldnt control that feeling so I broke down.

The smallest things that let me down feel like the world is against me and I just don't want to live on that day. Like when Sainsburys didn;t have any sandwhiches I wanted for lunch. I cried for an hour straight. I can't even explain why but it kills me.

I'm sat at home in bed feeling like the weight of the world is sat on my heart. I'm angry because people can;t drop everything right there and now to be with me and make me better. I'm angry because I can't control this feeling of shitness and I can't even explain it. And I'm angry because I'm writing it all down here and I'm realising how bad I really do feel.


Help.

Here We Go Again

I can feel myself slipping away again. I feel so angry and frustrated I just want to SCREEAMMMM!
Even writing this, when I do a typo or the cursor makes me start writing in stupid places I just want to put my fist through the screen.

It feels so silly, it was triggered by the fact that my bedroom is being decorated but nothings been done for weeks so I'm living in the hallway with my stuff everywhere and its stressing me out so frickin much! And that leads to me haaating my parents coz they're not spending their time helping me out, and then dad cooks spicy chicken for dinner which he knows I hate and blah blah blah it feels like my world is caving in. :(

I feel so silly admitting whats getting to me because I know to others it probably looks like nothing, but its all making me just break down and hate life and everyone and everything in it.

Its Okay Not To Be Okay

Postsecret

I adore postsecret. I don't know if this is either because it makes me feel less alone sometimes, or if it makes me feel better about myself! If you haven't already been on the site, then check it out and you'll see what I mean.

Here are some depression themed ones which have helped me feel better and less alone- I hope they may help some of you too.

Inspiration for Recovery

The Recovery Process

In some ways I guess that we're recovering from depression as soon as we get help. That huge step is the start of the crazy rollercoaster which follows. CBT never worked for me; in the frame of mind I was in , the thought of teaching myself something and dragging myself out of the depths of my hole in order to change my way of thinking was the very, very last thing I desired. I wanted/needed a medical, black-and-white, 'this will sort you out' solution and the only thing that I believed would provide that was medication.

I'm not disregarding CBT or any form of cognitive therapy techniques, in fact I think it probably is the best treatment as it teaches you to be self-sufficient. But being the stubborn mare I am, I stuck with the medication whilst seeing various psychiatrists, counsellors and psychologists. Now, two years on and I am actually in the scariest part of recovery: I'm coming off the medication!

Its been just over one week now and my dosage has been halved. On the whole I am so, so proud. A few wobbles here and there, but I need to think in the frame that this is normal: triggers will upset any human, no matter what your mental health status. Life will never be plain sailing, and if my mood was up all the time then that would probably be more unhealthy! I need to feel emotions or I will be inhuman.

So, yay me! My rollercoaster seems to be slowing down for now and I am feeling very clear headed about it all.