I can see clearly now the meds have gone...

My favourite quote from a film, ever:




Sooo, I'm completely cold turkey now. Wow. I genuinely never thought that I'd ever be without my safety blanket of medication, but here I am. And I did it all by myself.

The doctor told me to choose whenever I want to come off my meds, so I did. How unprofessional is that?! I'm preeeetty sure that she would have a duty to a person in a vulnerable position to ensure that all support stystems were in place... I guess my appointment was just before her lunchtime or something..

So after a month on 25 mg I stopped. Its been two weeks now and I'm still here so it can't be that bad. In fact I feel like a big fosty mist has been completely removed from inside my head.

The downside is I cry. At. Everything. I am writing this watching Million Pound Drop and they just won a load of money. I'm sobbing. In fact I sob at everything on TV. I broke down because I was bored. I broke down when my Word document didn't print in the right font.... you get the picture.

:(

I want to scream for help. I don't feel like I can take it anymore I feel so crap. The stupidest things have got me these past few days: my make-up wouldn't go right on Saturday morning so I felt like the whole world was against me. I could feel anger burning up inside of me and I got so frustrated I just couldnt control that feeling so I broke down.

The smallest things that let me down feel like the world is against me and I just don't want to live on that day. Like when Sainsburys didn;t have any sandwhiches I wanted for lunch. I cried for an hour straight. I can't even explain why but it kills me.

I'm sat at home in bed feeling like the weight of the world is sat on my heart. I'm angry because people can;t drop everything right there and now to be with me and make me better. I'm angry because I can't control this feeling of shitness and I can't even explain it. And I'm angry because I'm writing it all down here and I'm realising how bad I really do feel.


Help.

Here We Go Again

I can feel myself slipping away again. I feel so angry and frustrated I just want to SCREEAMMMM!
Even writing this, when I do a typo or the cursor makes me start writing in stupid places I just want to put my fist through the screen.

It feels so silly, it was triggered by the fact that my bedroom is being decorated but nothings been done for weeks so I'm living in the hallway with my stuff everywhere and its stressing me out so frickin much! And that leads to me haaating my parents coz they're not spending their time helping me out, and then dad cooks spicy chicken for dinner which he knows I hate and blah blah blah it feels like my world is caving in. :(

I feel so silly admitting whats getting to me because I know to others it probably looks like nothing, but its all making me just break down and hate life and everyone and everything in it.

Its Okay Not To Be Okay

Postsecret

I adore postsecret. I don't know if this is either because it makes me feel less alone sometimes, or if it makes me feel better about myself! If you haven't already been on the site, then check it out and you'll see what I mean.

Here are some depression themed ones which have helped me feel better and less alone- I hope they may help some of you too.

Inspiration for Recovery

The Recovery Process

In some ways I guess that we're recovering from depression as soon as we get help. That huge step is the start of the crazy rollercoaster which follows. CBT never worked for me; in the frame of mind I was in , the thought of teaching myself something and dragging myself out of the depths of my hole in order to change my way of thinking was the very, very last thing I desired. I wanted/needed a medical, black-and-white, 'this will sort you out' solution and the only thing that I believed would provide that was medication.

I'm not disregarding CBT or any form of cognitive therapy techniques, in fact I think it probably is the best treatment as it teaches you to be self-sufficient. But being the stubborn mare I am, I stuck with the medication whilst seeing various psychiatrists, counsellors and psychologists. Now, two years on and I am actually in the scariest part of recovery: I'm coming off the medication!

Its been just over one week now and my dosage has been halved. On the whole I am so, so proud. A few wobbles here and there, but I need to think in the frame that this is normal: triggers will upset any human, no matter what your mental health status. Life will never be plain sailing, and if my mood was up all the time then that would probably be more unhealthy! I need to feel emotions or I will be inhuman.

So, yay me! My rollercoaster seems to be slowing down for now and I am feeling very clear headed about it all.

Side Effects Still Going On?!

I've been on the same dose of the same medication for about two years now... and still feeling exhausted constantly! Also, only roughly in the last 3 months or so I've completely lost my libido which hasn't been affected previously. There can't be any other reason for it other than my meds; I've been through everything else which could possibly affect it.
The exhaustion is getting me down so much- I want to get a job in London which would mean a hefty commute and long hours but my body just can't take it! I've tried doing it before.

I have a review with the doc next week... fingers crossed it gets sorted coz right now I just feel like I'm in the waiting room for life.

Where it all changed...

I think in order for me to be able to share my journey I need to tell you how it all started. Not my life, just where it all went a bit wrong.

I was 16, in a very suffocating and unhealthy relationship. First love. It was neither of our faults, we were both changing and growing up and our characters just didn't cooperate anymore. We were nearly a year in to the relationship and I was completely and totally head over heels. He wanted to travel, see the world, live abroad.. I wanted to cling on to any hope of us being the 'forever' our naive selves had promised each other. Yet we couldn't let go. I began feeling like I just wanted to die. I wanted to just end everything because nothing could be worse than losing this love. I cried for one week non-stop. My mum's friends had to come and sit with me while my mum had to get on with looking after my siblings too. My best friend would come and sit with me and I wouldn't be able to talk, just sob. It was as if I had been replaced with a zombie. It felt as if I was numb, empty, distraught.

I didn't tell my boyfriend. I pretended everything was okay because I knew if he knew then he'd definitely give up on me. I was so nervous about going out of the house and especially about meeting his friends or family. I was making myself sick multiple times a day because I couldn't get over the anxiety of every day life. It got to the stage where he'd trick me in to going to his house for a night in, but had actually planned a house party so I'd have to see his friends. This destroyed all my trust. We were killing each other and didn't even realise it.

Until one seemingly normal day he came to my house and ended it. Panic attack after panic attack followed as I begged him to take me back and promised I would change; the thought of losing him was the end of the world. Even now, telling the story for the first time ever in complete honesty, I get a pang in my chest of that feeling I felt right in that moment, its the worst feeling and after all this time I still can't shake it!

To some it may just sound like a normal heart break of a teenage girl losing her first love. It took three months for me to stop crying whenever I saw him. I began making myself sick and cutting myself because I was convinced I needed to give myself a problem in order to justify feeling the way I did.

It was about three months later than I finally made it to the top of the waiting list to see a psychologist. I'd see her a few times a month, and a psychiatrist who dealt with my medication. A year later my medication does was still being increased as I showed no sign of improving.

Three years later I'm still on the highest dose possible.

The situation with my ex-boyfriend is what triggered my depression and anxiety. However, over the following two years I fell victim to the usual hardships caused by a self conscious teen at an all girls school. Fall-outs with friends and interfering, bullying teachers; I finally removed myself from that environment.

And where am I now in 2012? I'm in the healthiest, happiest and most amazing two year relationship I could ever imagine. Meeting a man who would accept everything about me, help me through the down times and celebrate the ups. He has turned my life around. But more importantly, he taught me to appreciate myself again. He gives me confidence, encourages me to take risks and make changes with my life; and I know he will stick around to see how it all pays off.

I now know I cannot rely solely on other people for my happiness, but I also know who I can rely on; who knows all of this and is still by my side for good times and bad.

And thankfully, there's a lot of those good times now!

The Very Beginning

So I think I should start by introducing myself: a 19 year old female who has been 'suffering' from clinical depression since I was 16. If you met me, you wouldn't know. Only my nearest and dearest do.

I live a normal life: I have a fully functional family, an amazing long-term boyfriend, friends all over the place and I am at University. So lets clear it up... not suicidal, not 'emo', not self-harming, as far as I see it, I have an illness. An illness which I means I cannot get through the day without medication. Aside from this illness in my brain, I am a very happy, healthy, regular woman.

But thats not to say I wasn't once 'emo', suicidal, or self-harmed. I may have done. The point is everyone suffers with depression in different, but equally valid ways. I've started this blog so I can share with you the honest truths of what I go through, and I hope that maybe one day I can help others.

I'm not here to judge, force upon you any of my opinions, preach or upset anyone... I'm merely here to keep a diary of my life.